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I always learn new things on my drive, and have brief moments of reflection. This last drive was no different.
About a year and a half ago, my grandpa lost his battle with cancer. It was a very long battle with pieces of grace, kindness & peace along the way. The last few days were really hard. . . spending our last moments with a man who had played such a big part in all of our lives is a really hard thing to do. Watching my husband grieve for a man who he barely knew, but yearned to know on such a deeper level was such a difficult thing to experience as a still somewhat newly married couple. . . especially when I hadn't yet realized that I should be treated for depression.
I have moments where I remember my grandpa & think back on the memories that I have of him. This last drive to & from my friend's house was no different.
I had my ipod on shuffle & the songs were flowing with the drive. It was calm with moments of teeny-bop thrown in. For some reason, Rich Mullins' song "Step by Step" came on & I could feel my grandpa near me. I could feel his heart like I've never really felt it before.
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Growing up, I remember visiting my grandparent's house & spending Saturday night eating popcorn & ice cream with my grandpa, and then going to church with my grandma on Sunday mornings. I don't really remember going to church with my grandpa. Rather, I remember thinking that my grandpa wasn't a Christian because he wasn't joining us at church. My child-self wanted to tell my grandpa so badly that he needed to go to church so Jesus could love him (ha), but always being so afraid to. It truly wasn't until he was diagnosed with cancer that I truly learned of his heart towards the Lord, and oh, what a beautiful heart that was.
To be able to stand up in life, and face sickness & certain death truly shows the character of a man & Fred Johannsen was no different. The strength & courage that he showed during that time is how I want to live my life always. His love for the Lord & his true hope that he had seemed unwavering.
I was able to see his Bible a couple of months ago. I held that tiny book in my hands knowing that he had held it in his hands many times before, and I felt a sort of peace. It was as if the Lord was speaking to me through this weathered book without even having to open it.
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While I was driving back home, another song came on that reminded me of him, but this time my heart ached. It ached for the man that I wished to know more. For the man that I wish my husband had known all of his life, as they would've learned & enjoyed so much of each other. For the great-grandpa that I wanted to see him be to my children. To read books to them the only way that he can. And you know what, it really hurts. It's very hard to know that those things are just a dream that I wish for & nothing that I can change. I know that my grandpa is with the Lord, but some days it is harder than others. Wednesday was one of those days. I know that there will be many more days like that, but I try to rest in the fact that he is not sick or in pain.
Unfortunately, that day is not today, so I am going to feel my feelings & grieve for the man that I wish i knew so much more than I actually do. Cheers~
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