The realization that you are NOT a cool kid & that you never will be.
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I was part of the "cool kid" group once. Well, not as much as part of it, rather I was a target.
I'll never forget finding out in either 1st or 2nd grade, that there was a "Lauren Hating Club." I remember sitting in the Kindergarten room talking with the other girls in my class, along with the school counselor, about being kind to everyone. I'm pretty sure that all anyone heard was "Blah blah blah blah blah."
(photo not mine)
I am not writing this to gain sympathy. This is one of those moments where I have had to go to counseling for and attempt to figure out not only that it did affect me, but that I can move on from it.
That all being said, that was my first run-in with the cool kids.
Fast forward to me dreaming, and then acting on!, calling out some of those kids, ahem, teens. It was awesome. To be able to stand up for the little guys and tell the cool kids that they were bullies! Yeah, that lasted about 30 seconds. Then good ol' reality slapped me in the face.
Yet, I still wanted to be liked & accepted by the people that everyone loved & wanted to be & be friends with. That, and my crush was a cool kid so that would've really helped me get closer to him.
Fast forward & everything looks the same until. . . well, it still is clinging within me, & it's difficult to shake.
I worked at a camp & all I wanted to be was accepted by the cool kids. The ones who all hung out & were these great Christians who did the right Christian thing. I wanted to be one of them! Why? Because it would've probably made me feel better about myself and it would just be nice to fit in for once.
I find myself at those moments still to this day. wanting to be acknowledged by the cool kids. Maybe the look like a supervisor or upper management. Maybe it looks like being able to chat with my sisters all together without being the only one who doesn't have a child. Whatever it may be, that longing for acceptance is still there.
Now, I know that some of you are going to say "Wait! You are accepted & loved by God!" Yes, I get & know that, but come on. I am a human-being who feels. Please do not share that piece of goodness with me. I get it. I know.
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I do want to clarify a couple of things. I had the best friends throughout my entire school career. We were the nerdiest of the nerds participating in speech, science olympiad, hell, show choir was my freaking sport (for the record: simply wearing a super hero t-shirt does not make you a nerd. Sitting with your husband on date night writing excel formulas while watching Dr Who & then playing Magic the Gathering, now THAT is considered nerdy)! They were beside me through everything and I am a better person for being friends with and knowing them.
Also, the friends I have today were never really part of the cool kid group either, & I love them all for it. There's something about never being fully accepted by those who were seemingly better than you. It makes you tougher & stronger, and definitely much more accepting to those around you.
Finally, I want to shout it out to the cool kids out there. You really weren't the worst. You had your insecurities & let them out in maybe just a different way than we all did. Try being nicer to the small guys around you. It'll not only change their life, but I'm hoping your life as well.
Here's to all of the losers out there who are sitting at home doing nothing on a Friday night. We've all been there whether we want to admit it or not.
Cheers!
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