Last Wednesday I turned 27 (yikes!) & the day went really well. And then I went home & it just did not go well. Jason's feelings were hurt. My feelings were hurt. We both yelled, said things we didn't mean & felt like we were losing our minds. I was angry & full of rage that my husband didn't know me well enough. We've been married about 1.5 years & he should know the ins & outs of who I am (or at least that's what I thought at that moment).
We were able to sort it out, but I found myself filled with anger. I was angry that my husband didn't know me as well as I thought he said & angry that I had let myself ruin the day. But the more I thought about it, I wasn't angry, rather, I was hurt. Hurt that the day didn't go the way that I wanted, & upset with myself that I was ungrateful & had hurt my husband.
Fast forward to today. . . I was driving along thinking about something completely dumb that I had read earlier in the day & I was just annoyed & upset, for truly, no good reason. I let my annoyance build & build until I was just angry! I had no good reason at all, but it kept building within me. I thought about it a little bit longer than I should have & forced myself to move on & forget about those comments.
What is it about anger that is so easy to feel? I often find myself having to repeat "you are not angry, you are hurt. . . you are not angry, you are hurt. . . " over & over until I have finally discovered the truth.
I really don't like all of this anger festering in my heart & my mind. I haven't had a season like this for awhile, so maybe that's just what it is: a season. A season to grow & mature in ways that I haven't before & to give myself a little more grace. Better yet, experience my feelings & then I can have more grace for others who act out in anger & know that maybe their feelings are just hurt.
"Of the Seven Deadly Sins, anger is possibly the most fun. To lick your wounds, to smack your lips over grievances long past, to roll over your tongue the prospect of bitter confrontations still to come, to save to the last toothsome morsel both the pain you are given & the pain you are giving back - in many ways it is a feast fit for a king. The chief drawback is that what you are wolfing down is yourself. The skeleton at the feast is you." --Frederick Buechner, Beyond Words
The above quote struck my like a dagger going into my heart, especially about the bitter confrontations still to come. I don't want to think about those. I want to bless & move on, but man, that is hard work. I am forcing myself to be kind & to love. To remember the core of who I am & that it's OK to be upset & hurt, but it's best to move on & find the love & life that are surrounding me constantly.
Thank you, friends, for being a source of love & life, and for reading my words. I am grateful for each & every one of you.
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