thankful.

When I first thought about blogging again, I wanted to make sure that that I was being mindful of good things. Good thoughts, events, people, etc. It can sometimes be hard to remember all of those good things, so I wanted to remind myself of things that I'm thankful for.

 

21. Being able to work from home last week when the weather got really bad.

22. Full House on dvd (and on sale)

23. A sister who confides in me. 

24. 2 sisters who confide in me.

25. a husband who starts my car in the morning

26. a weekend spent with friends

27. Paul Simon

28. a car that makes me feel safe while driving in this weather

29. vanilla yogurt

30. Youth group leaders that are still helping me grow :)

31. Family that can be called when needed: good or bad.

32. a big bed when your spouse isn't feeling well.

33. the stirrings of growth that I feel the Lord leading me to.

34. Music that feeds my soul. This song in particular (I know, Paul Simon originally performs this song, but I like this version, too).

35. Great Russian food & vodka.

36. a great date with Jason while eating great Russian food.

37. Being inside on a 50MPH gust windy night.

38. A purse that makes me feel like Emma Thompson as P.L. Travers in Saving Mr. Banks. Go see it. Now..

39. Apple TV

40. Glasses that I can wear while reading, or any other time for that matter.

anger

Anger is something that's been on my mind lately. I've been feeling it & thinking about it in different lights this past week.

Last Wednesday I turned 27 (yikes!) & the day went really well. And then I went home & it just did not go well. Jason's feelings were hurt. My feelings were hurt. We both yelled, said things we didn't mean & felt like we were losing our minds. I was angry & full of rage that my husband didn't know me well enough. We've been married about 1.5 years & he should know the ins & outs of who I am (or at least that's what I thought at that moment). 

We were able to sort it out, but I found myself filled with anger. I was angry that my husband didn't know me as well as I thought he said & angry that I had let myself ruin the day. But the more I thought about it, I wasn't angry, rather, I was hurt. Hurt that the day didn't go the way that I wanted, & upset with myself that I was ungrateful & had hurt my husband.

Fast forward to today. . . I was driving along thinking about something completely dumb that I had read earlier in the day & I was just annoyed & upset, for truly, no good reason. I let my annoyance build & build until I was just angry! I had no good reason at all, but it kept building within me. I thought about it a little bit longer than I should have & forced myself to move on & forget about those comments.

What is it about anger that is so easy to feel? I often find myself having to repeat "you are not angry, you are hurt. . . you are not angry, you are hurt. . . " over & over until I have finally discovered the truth.

I really don't like all of this anger festering in my heart & my mind. I haven't had a season like this for awhile, so maybe that's just what it is: a season. A season to grow & mature in ways that I haven't before & to give myself a little more grace. Better yet, experience my feelings & then I can have more grace for others who act out in anger & know that maybe their feelings are just hurt. 

"Of the Seven Deadly Sins, anger is possibly the most fun. To lick your wounds, to smack your lips over grievances long past, to roll over your tongue the prospect of bitter confrontations still to come, to save to the last toothsome morsel both the pain you are given & the pain you are giving back - in many ways it is a feast fit for a king. The chief drawback is that what you are wolfing down is yourself. The skeleton at the feast is you." --Frederick Buechner, Beyond Words

 The above quote struck my like a dagger going into my heart, especially about the bitter confrontations still to come. I don't want to think about those. I want to bless & move on, but man, that is hard work. I am forcing myself to be kind & to love. To remember the core of who I am & that it's OK to be upset & hurt, but it's best to move on & find the love & life that are surrounding me constantly.

Thank you, friends, for being a source of love & life, and for reading my words. I am grateful for each & every one of you.

 

thankful.

When I first thought about blogging again, I wanted to make sure that that I was being mindful of good things. Good thoughts, events, people, etc. It can sometimes be hard to remember all of those good things, so I wanted to remind myself of things that I'm thankful for.

My aunt (aka tonight's motivation for this post!) has been posting things she's thankful for & what a great way to keep track of that & look back to be able to remind yourself that there are good things. Hard things, yes, but those can be good as well. So, here we go. Enjoy :)

1. Bob Costas. 
2. The Olympics
3. Good friends who bring PBR for our cultural Olympic viewing. 'Merica.
4. Registering gift cards/signing up for rewards. So far I've gotten a free bagel & tomorrow I shall go get my free coffee & breakfast sandwich from Starbucks & Caribou respectively.
5. My workout buddy/physical trainer/emotional trainer/coworker/friend/confidant/buddy. 
6. Pomegranate Martinis
7. A husband who doesn't mind that I drank too much pomegranate martini & wanted to go to bed at 7:30.
8. A great yearly review at my job-- seriously. It was more than I could've hoped for.
1. To piggy back off of that: a company that I love & the best coworkers I could've asked for!
9.  Hard conversations with Jason & being able to work through them.
10. A sister who calls to talk.
11. my crazy dreams -- seriously, I would rather dream than sleep sometimes!
12. The ability to go out for a nice dinner with my husband for no reason other than I missed him.
13. space heaters.
14. the ability to work from home. in my pjs. watching my shows.
15. Sister Wives. (Seriously, I love this show.)
16. My body hurting from a great workout.. however, i might not be thankful for this tomorrow.
17. water. clean water.
18. My nieces & nephews. 
19. having nieces & nephews who visit you & give you a great reason to go to Chuck E. Cheese.
20. Jason's Chicago Bears blanket. I don't necessarily care about the team, but I care about the warmth the blanket provides!

That one time I joined a gym.

As the title states, yesterday I joined a gym. After months of feeling less than amazing & not liking myself, my husband joined a gym. 

And after a week (Ok, maybe two. . .) of Jason joining the gym & not liking myself & feeling less than amazing, I joined the same gym :) And yesterday I had my first workout as a gym member.

And yes, I am wondering what in the world I've done! I can't get to a gym 3X/week (hello $20 off with our insurance plan!) and go to work and sit on the couch & do nothing. Wait, I can.

There are a few goals that I want to achieve during this time & I think I can actually do this. Jason has been a great support & is working out 2x a day just so he is able to go with me while I'm still new at this & feeling a little insecure.

But after my first really good workout (in quite some time), I felt good & I know what Elle Woods was talking about in Legally Blonde! And I want some more of that happy feeling! 

So, if my insurance company won't get me to workout at least 3 times a week, maybe knowing that you all know will help motivate me! So, below are some goals that I really want to reach. Shoot me an email, or send me a text, or comment with well wishes & nudges in the right direction. And if you see me, ask how it's going! Hopefully I'll answer with an "awesome!", but if I don't, hopefully I'll at least be trying really really hard!

1. Lose 10lbs by the end of march

2. Feel better about myself physically, mentally, emotionally

3. I want to be able to wean myself off of my anxiety/depression meds by the end of this year

As always, thank you for reading! And please, follow my blog! I'm kind of fun ;)