My name is Lauren. . . 

and I struggle with anxiety & depression.

Earlier this year, my Grandpa lost his battle with cancer. While I was so thankful that he was able to see a new grandchild join the family & be at my wedding, I am still overcome with sadness.

After he had passed, I became aware of death & was paralyzed by the thought of it. I had never had someone as close to me pass, and this was something new to me. I believe in heaven & know that is exactly where he is, but the thought of death isn't always a reassuring one.

The days before the funeral were filled with drinks, hangovers & a loving husband who was right there holding my hair & bringing me water. 

Drinking was my coping skill, and for a few moments I was able to forget about my fears & grief, have a few laughs & not cry.

 

I knew that I had struggled with anxiety for awhile (I took longer routes to work in order to avoid highways & asked Jason to go places with me where I knew I would be stressed). We decided to go canoeing/fishing one sunny afternoon & I thought that I could do it. Jason said it would be a great way to honor my grandpa & catch a few fish in his honor.

But I was not well.

I sat in the parking lot sobbing while Jason bought bait. I sobbed in the truck while we parked at the lake. The fear of drowning & dying on that lake caused fear & anxiety to flow through my body & I was not prepared to die. And, as strange as this may sound, death was what lay in store for me whenever I went & in whatever I did.

There was no escaping this fear. It came to me in my dreams, & followed me throughout the day.

Finally, I needed to do something. This breakdown was going to be my last. I made myself an appointment (with a great doctor, I might add), and was ready to go. I cried through the entire appointment from beginning (it was difficult to take my temperature between stifled sobs) to the end (when my prescription was handed to me). I scored extremely high on both the anxiety & depression worksheet. That last one surprised me a bit.. I knew I had anxiety, but depression was not something that I had even considered; however, with everything happening at that time, I shouldn't have been too surprised.

I spoke with my doctor & we made a plan. I would be  put on a prescription that was going to help (6 months & 3 different prescriptions later, I'm hoping we've finally found one that will help), and I would be able to conquer the world.

And I'm doing OK.

Now that winter is here, I'm struggling. I'm having a hard time getting up & doing the same thing every day knowing that it's just going to be another brutally cold day sitting at the same freezing desk & then coming home to a cold apartment (thankfully it warms up eventually) with another winter night. I would like to think that I'm hanging in there, but it's hard. 

And sometimes that happens.

I think I'm just finding it a bit more difficult to pull myself up & go than normal. I'm thankful for friends at work & a husband who loves me. I'm thankful for modern medicine, so I don't have to have this part of my life be as brutal as it could be. I'm thankful for a job that I do enjoy, even if I need a break from it every now & then. I'm grateful to have the best Grandma in the world & that I can celebrate another year of life with her (Happy Birthday, Grandma!).

These last couple of weeks have been hard & I've had to take last 2 days to regroup myself physically, mentally & spiritually, but I think it's going to be OK. I've got friends/coworkers who care for & support me, and a husband who is willing to skip class to come home & play a board game with his wife (thanks, Jason).

And I've got wonderful readers joining in on life with me. Thank you~!

 

(Grandpa, me & Grandma June 2012)

 

To start 2014 off in a loving way, I'm participating in the Pay-It-Forward initiative. The first five people who comment on this post with "I'm in", will receive a surprise from me at some point in this calendar year - anything from a book, a ticket (not the traffic kind , a visit, something homegrown or made, a postcard, absolutely any surprise! There will be no warning and it will happen when the mood comes over me and I find something that I believe would suit you and make you happy. These five people must make the same offer in their FB status (or blog) and distribute their own joy! Simply copy this text onto your profile, (don't share) so we can form a web of connection and kindness.

 

If you are one of the first 5 chosen, I will be emailing you to retrieve your mailing address so I can send you your surprise :)

. . . and a glass of grace

I had emailed one of my aunts this past week (visit her here) & had mentioned that I felt disconnected & afraid of blogging. I had so many things that I wanted to write about, but wasn't sure if I would be able to share my thoughts in a place that I felt disconnected & estranged from. Her suggestion: start a new blog.

I spent the last few days going back & forth between witty blog names (life of an eland anyone?) and more serious topics (behold the Lord is with us! {kidding}); however, I kept coming back & feeling completely insecure about it all.

Who will want to listen to what I have to say?

Why am I writing?

What I am going to make this blog even look like?

What's the vibe I'm looking for?

All of these thoughts kept nagging me & moving farther away from what I really want this to be about, and none of it was productive.

Finally, I sat down with my husband {his name is Jason} & started throwing out thoughts & eventually I got to where I am:

. . . and a Glass of Grace

Isn't that what we all need or sometimes wish we had? It's something that I am needing {if not craving} on a daily basis, whether I'm at home or at work. Happy or sad. It's something that I long for & am thankful that it's readily available to me either from those around me or the Lord reminding me that He has already extended it to me.

Maybe you'll receive or extend grace to me while you're reading this. If so, please feel free to share your thoughts via comments or email. 

I do want to welcome & thank you for reading. I'll be updating the look & layout as time goes by {a dear friend is helping me make the look "me"}, so come back & enjoy.

Lauren Grace