'tis the season.

If you're looking for a post about the great holiday season, this is not the place for you. 

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With the holiday season comes joy, fabulous festivities, snow white weather, and Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Now, some of you may be chuckling at this point, but this is a thing & I am experiencing this first-hand today. Staring out the window at that cold, white shit sitting on my porch sent me into a tailspin for the rest of the day, to the point where I was actually sick.

Knowing that the cold will stick around for the next 5-6 months makes me nauseous, not wanting to eating, and simply wanting to lay in bed all day. Thinking about driving on these roads, especially at night, makes me want to stay inside & hibernate just like the bears (I actually told my husband I wanted to do that tonight). I've already counted out my PTO to see how many days I can take off within the next few months, because I know that there will be days where I am completely unable to remove myself from my bed.

And it really sucks. 

Oh, and then on top of the the weather, you have all of the family dynamics that come along with it. This season of the year is just tough all around.

Jason works with a crisis center & is so kind in reminding me that it's not just me that goes through all of this, but so many people do. 

As conflicting & hard it is for me to say, I'm glad that I'm not the only one. It's always a nice reminder to know/be told that you are not alone & that there are those around you who will help you & walk with you through this. That being said, I hate that others have to go through this as well. 

So maybe, just maybe, we can all extend a little kindness this season. Instead of being angry over not finding a parking spot, or being stuck going somewhere you don't want to for the holidays (Note: this is not true of me, as i probably wont be going anywhere this year due to my husband's wonderful internship), there's no need to take it out on those around you or those that you love.

So. Here's me getting my SAD lamp (yeah, it's a thing) prescription filled & finding a freaking house in Arizona.

Oh, and to being kind. Always to being kind. Not just with others, but myself as well~

 

some days.

The other day I went to visit a dear friend. This drive (and the visit!) are so good for me & brings so much life to my day. This last visit I decided to listen to some music, which is so good for my heart. 

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I always learn new things on my drive, and have brief moments of reflection. This last drive was no different.

About a year and a half ago, my grandpa lost his battle with cancer. It was a very long battle with pieces of grace, kindness & peace along the way. The last few days were really hard. . . spending our last moments with a man who had played such a big part in all of our lives is a really hard thing to do. Watching my husband grieve for a man who he barely knew, but yearned to know on such a deeper level was such a difficult thing to experience as a still somewhat newly married couple. . . especially when I hadn't yet realized that I should be treated for depression.

I have moments where I remember my grandpa & think back on the memories that I have of him. This last drive to & from my friend's house was no different.

I had my ipod on shuffle & the songs were flowing with the drive. It was calm with moments of teeny-bop thrown in. For some reason, Rich Mullins' song "Step by Step" came on & I could feel my grandpa near me. I could feel his heart like I've never really felt it before.

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Growing up, I remember visiting my grandparent's house & spending Saturday night eating popcorn & ice cream with my grandpa, and then going to church with my grandma on Sunday mornings. I don't really remember going to church with my grandpa. Rather, I remember thinking that my grandpa wasn't a Christian because he wasn't joining us at church. My child-self wanted to tell my grandpa so badly that he needed to go to church so Jesus could love him (ha), but always being so afraid to. It truly wasn't until he was diagnosed with cancer that I truly learned of his heart towards the Lord, and oh, what a beautiful heart that was.

To be able to stand up in life, and face sickness & certain death truly shows the character of a man & Fred Johannsen was no different. The strength & courage that he showed during that time is how I want to live my life always. His love for the Lord & his true hope that he had seemed unwavering. 

I was able to see his Bible a couple of months ago. I held that tiny book in my hands knowing that he had held it in his hands many times before, and I felt a sort of peace. It was as if the Lord was speaking to me through this weathered book without even having to open it.

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While I was driving back home, another song came on that reminded me of him, but this time my heart ached. It ached for the man that I wished to know more. For the man that I wish my husband had known all of his life, as they would've learned & enjoyed so much of each other. For the great-grandpa that I wanted to see him be to my children. To read books to them the only way that he can. And you know what, it really hurts. It's very hard to know that those things are just a dream that I wish for & nothing that I can change. I know that my grandpa is with the Lord, but some days it is harder than others. Wednesday was one of those days. I know that there will be many more days like that, but I try to rest in the fact that he is not sick or in pain. 

Unfortunately, that day is not today, so I am going to feel my feelings & grieve for the man that I wish i knew so much more than I actually do. Cheers~

 

 

cool kids.

Ah... the dreaded caste system of high school. Oh wait, but it's not just high school. it's your entire freaking life.

The realization that you are NOT a cool kid & that you never will be.

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I was part of the "cool kid" group once. Well, not as much as part of it, rather I was a target. 

I'll never forget finding out in either 1st or 2nd grade, that there was a "Lauren Hating Club." I remember sitting in the Kindergarten room talking with the other girls in my class, along with the school counselor, about being kind to everyone. I'm pretty sure that all anyone heard was "Blah blah blah blah blah." 

 (photo not mine)

I am not writing this to gain sympathy. This is one of those moments where I have had to go to counseling for and attempt to figure out not only that it did affect me, but that I can move on from it.

 That all being said, that was my first run-in with the cool kids.

Fast forward to me dreaming, and then acting on!, calling out some of those kids, ahem, teens. It was awesome. To be able to stand up for the little guys and tell the cool kids that they were bullies! Yeah, that lasted about 30 seconds. Then good ol' reality slapped me in the face.

Yet, I still wanted to be liked & accepted by the people that everyone loved & wanted to be & be friends with. That, and my crush was a cool kid so that would've really helped me get closer to him. 

Fast forward & everything looks the same until. . . well, it still is clinging within me, & it's difficult to shake.

I worked at a camp & all I wanted to be was accepted by the cool kids. The ones who all hung out & were these great Christians who did the right Christian thing. I wanted to be one of them! Why? Because it would've probably made me feel better about myself and it would just be nice to fit in for once.

I find myself at those moments still to this day. wanting to be acknowledged by the cool kids. Maybe the look like a supervisor or upper management. Maybe it looks like being able to chat with my sisters all together without being the only one who doesn't have a child. Whatever it may be, that longing for acceptance is still there. 

Now, I know that some of you are going to say "Wait! You are accepted & loved by God!" Yes, I get & know that, but come on. I am a human-being who feels. Please do not share that piece of goodness with me. I get it. I know.

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I do want to clarify a couple of things. I had the best friends throughout my entire school career. We were the nerdiest of the nerds participating in speech, science olympiad, hell, show choir was my freaking sport (for the record: simply wearing a super hero t-shirt does not make you a nerd. Sitting with your husband on date night writing excel formulas while watching Dr Who & then playing Magic the Gathering, now THAT is considered nerdy)! They were beside me through everything and I am a better person for being friends with and knowing them.

Also, the friends I have today were never really part of the cool kid group either, & I love them all for it. There's something about never being fully accepted by those who were seemingly better than you. It makes you tougher & stronger, and definitely much more accepting to those around you.

Finally, I want to shout it out to the cool kids out there. You really weren't the worst. You had your insecurities & let them out in maybe just a different way than we all did. Try being nicer to the small guys around you. It'll not only change their life, but I'm hoping your life as well.

Here's to all of the losers out there who are sitting at home doing nothing on a Friday night. We've all been there whether we want to admit it or not.

Cheers!

 

Panic! At the workplace

Ah... my day today. Not quite the best & not quite the worst.

You might be able to tell by the title that today was a bit of an anxious day, and it was.

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I was at work this afternoon when I felt my chest tightening & my throat closing in. . . the calm before the storm. The moment where I have to decide if I want to end the day breathing in a paper bag, or if I have the strength to own my faults & get help.

I got help.

I told a coworker, who had just emailed me one more thing to put on my plate (a small piece to put on my plate, but a piece nonetheless), and I just told him that I was in the the beginning stages of freaking out and that I needed to get out.

I went for a walk and called Jason. No answer. I called him again. . . no answer. I called my sister. . . no freaking answer.

Jason texted & it was needed. He gave me skills & tools that could help me get through this. A sense of calm  & peace came with his kind words. It was a breath of fresh air to help me get over the mountain.

I am thankful to say that the panic did not turn into a full blown attack, but it was close. Jason has been teaching me great tools lately that have been helping; however, I am continuing to ask myself why. Why are these happening right now? What in my life has changed so much that panic is rearing its ugly head?. . . 

I'm not really sure & am still trying to figure it out, but it's teaching me to be more aware of myself & how I process/sort through things that catch me off-guard.

Jason took me out to dinner tonight so we could both get out & breathe in the last few moments of warm, fresh air before winter arrives. In that time, I realized what was really the issue. Why my body & brain can't work together at the some time is beyond me. Either way, dinner was nice & wonderful, and a perfect way to catch up & reconnect before Jason starts his practicum again. . . 

 

So, there it is. I'm going to keep practicing my new relaxation tools & use hard cider with fireball whiskey as a backup. 

Here's to being thankful that my husband is going to grad school for psychology & not a bartender. . . most of the time.

Cheers~

a single wife

Am I intentionally trying to be dramatic with my title? Possibly. 

Does it feel like that sometimes? Yeppers.

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Jason officially started his practicum about 1 week ago, but had training through the month of September. The goal is for him to graduate May 2015. Awesome, right? Totally! I would love nothing more than to celebrate his quest for learning & gaining another degree. Can anyone say pay increase?

That being said, his practicum is 20 hours/week, that is on top of his already 40 hours a week at work. 

For this extrovert, that is unbearable. I work from home 2 days a week which is great when someone comes home at 430. But when you are at home for 12+ hours by yourself with limited interaction with the outside world (ok, I'm being a little dramatic to get my point across) you start feeling a little down.

Thankfully, I have a husband who is going to school for psychology & can give me a few pointers. 

1. Get out of the house
   Now, this doesn't mean going anywhere necessarily, even just stepping onto our balcony. Breathing the fresh air into my lungs changes things for me. It refreshes me & helps my clarity a bit.
2. Be with people
   Yes. My extroverted self needs to be around people. Period. I was recently chatting with a dear friend about how I go insane when I'm drinking 1 cup of coffee at home vs. how I don't feel it as much at work. Because there are people there that I can just start talking to and help get a little bit of my crazy out :)
3. Get a part-time job
   This was initially a great idea!... and then we both realized that nothing around the apartment will get done if we are both working 40 hours at our full-time jobs and then both of us basically have part-time jobs. We will have no meals, clean clothes and our place will be a pit. So, we settled for... well, I have no idea yet. Babysitting? Cleaning houses? Who knows. But, getting out there, being productive & possibly earning a few bucks? Perfect.

So... you might be asking yourself. Hey! I want to get Lauren out of the house! 

OR

Hey! I could really use a babysitter this weekend! 

Well, here I am folks. A full-grown human begging to hang out with you, or your children, or your dirty house, or anything to help get me through the next few months, that truly are already feeling like an eternity.

Call me. email me. write me a letter! share me with your friends! anything :) What's a few minutes for a lifetime of knowing that you eased my sanity just a little bit during a time in need.

For now?... while I wait for all of your comments & replies about how you, too, can help? I'll continue to watch Walter White & Jesse Pinkman make meth & be really thankful that I do not need to resort to that.. at least for now! ;)

End. Scene.

 

 

i am me.

Well, it's been awhile. There hasn't really been a reason other than I just haven't had inspiration. 

Correction: I've had inspiration, I just haven't wanted to sit down & write. Especially after sitting at a desk all day.

So, here I am. Sitting at home, watching Law & Order, and enjoying the late summer breeze.

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Let's talk about the title. This has been something that has been on my mind so much lately, and is showing itself in many places.

Someone shared the below the other day. I printed it off & have it pinned in my cubicle at work.

I feel like I want to put this one the forehead of everyone that I talk to as a reminder to myself. Oh, and add it to my forehead as well so others can see it.

How many times do I (we) find myself (ourselves) walking around life trying to fit in. Trying to take pictures with my phone instead of my fancy camera because it's too distracting. Or trying to write the perfect email to someone knowing that it'll never be as good as someone else's. 

I don't know about you, but it is exhausting & frankly, I am kind of over it.

I want to be me. I want to be the person I am evolving into & not a nice little cutout of what I think someone else looks like. 

So, here's to me being high maintenance when it comes to my drink order at a work happy hour. To hauling along my camera, 2 lenses & taking beautiful pictures that I will treasure. To eating a sandwich on white bread at work while everyone else eats their salad. To loving those that I love & what I love without any fear.

To writing this post & not giving a damn about possibly having a drink while I slowly ease myself into not caring about what people think about my writing.

Cheers~

a conscious effort

Earlier this week I had a meeting with my supervisor at work. The meeting was in regards to goals that we should work to achieve in the coming year. Some of them are in regards to how to make our work processes better, others are in regards to how we interact with our peers & those we work with on a daily basis.

One of the goals I decided to make for myself was to nominate at least 1 per/quarter for an award within the company. Oddly enough, my supervisor chose the same goal for my to complete as well. When she had mentioned this was something she wanted me to achieve, she said the following:

"Sometimes it is so easy to get caught up in what people are doing wrong, that we find ourselves forgetting, or neglecting to look at the good things that others are doing as well."

I was so struck by her words & hadn't thought of it that way. However, I put it into not only my job, but my life as well.

How often am I worried about others & their wrongdoings & injustices that I forget to look towards those around me & see all that good that surrounds me on a daily basis. I don't want to live that way. 

I was watching Schindler's List at work the other day & was distracted by some annoying emails & other disturbances around me. I found myself getting worked up about something completely small & not even worth my frustrations. I sat there watching an entire culture be wiped out & found myself wondering why something so small as an email with a question could affect me as much as the movie I was watching.

I find that this is a constant thread in my life right now especially after giving up social media for lent. Too often I would find myself worried about others & what was going on in their lives, and completely took all the energy away from my own life & all the good things within in. I don't want to be someone who is affected by  negative around me, whether it be someone who may have wronged me in the past, or a negative coworker complaining once again. 

I want to recognize the good around me. The coworker who maybe needs a helping hand, or telling Jason that he's a better husband every day. I want to make a conscious effort to not let the negative bother me & to make more space for the positive.

I haven't decided what I necessarily want it to look like once Lent has ended as far as social media goes, but I want to be more aware of my attitude & how I react to those around me.

I would love to hear your thoughts & how you are doing this in your own life, or if  you are going to start with me in making a direct effort to focus on the positive!

thankfulness

When I first thought about blogging again, I wanted to make sure that that I was being mindful of good things. Good thoughts, events, people, etc. It can sometimes be hard to remember all of those good things, so I wanted to remind myself of things that I'm thankful for.

41. Modern medicine - Jason & I have both been sick. Not cool.

42. Great co-workers (& bosses!) with understanding.

43. Starbucks Coffee (I've reached the Green level)!

44.  Girl scout cookies.

45. Warm weather.

46. Netflix & Hulu plus.

47. Dreams that bring understanding to difficult situations.

48. a husband who takes out the garbage.

49. a new shelf to bring organization & functionality to my life.

50. a new camera! 

51.  a show that Jason & i can enjoy. . . together! 

52. send snail mail.

53. fresh, clean water

54. being able to see nieces & nephews

 

 55. looking through old pictures & reminiscing.

56. band aids

57. learning through lent

58. forgiveness (still working on it)

59. old friends. new friends. being able to see both.

60. tennis shoes

90s Christian Music

Hello! Here I am ignoring my computer as of late because there isn't really much going on that I want to invest in. . . which is good and something that I wanted to experience with Lent this year. 

These last couple of days after work I've plugged in my iPod & have attempted to find the best playlist that reflects this warmer weather we've been experiencing (40 degrees anyone?!). Well, it seems that old school 90s Christian music is exactly what I've been feeling.

You know, like Amy Grant, Geoff Moore & the Distance, Rich Mullins. . . I mean the list really does go on for quite awhile. Heck, I even threw in a little Sandy Patti. I kid you not.

 Today one of those songs struck a deeper place in my heart, and it was good. I think that with so many worship songs available at our fingertips, we sometimes forget older songs that are still true & can be used to touch not only ourselves, but those around us.

So, why not have a giveaway of my top 10 songs that feed my heart & soul in hopes that they'll bless you as much as they've blessed me. 

There are a couple of ways to enter & you can complete each of the below once (with a possibility that your name is entered 5 times)!

• Follow my Blog! (This will earn you 2 entries of your name!)
• Post a comment with a song that gives your spirit life (it can be anything).
• Share a link to this post on Facebook or Twitter
• Note: As I am not on Facebook OR Twitter right now, you can leave a comment on my blog that says "Facebook" or "Twitter." I'll take your word on it :)
• 

 If I have 15 entries (not necessarily 15 people!), then I will put all of the names in a hat (really. I have a super cute hat that I can use), and the winner will be drawn on Monday March 17th. 

The winner will need to have a valid iTunes account as I will send the gift via iTunes.

If you have a few minutes, listen to the video, read the words & let them truly sink in. It's such a beautiful song & what a reminder to have.

Step by Step

by Rich Mullins

(lyrics are in the video)

worship

A week ago, Jason & I went to see Paul Simon & Sting. While I enjoy both, Paul Simon was definitely my favorite part of the evening.

We were listening to Paul Simon & Sting sing a duet of "the Boxer" & something about it moved me to tears. It wasn't simply the beautiful lyrics or the effortless harmonies provided by 2 legends of our time. Rather, it was the simply stirring in my heart that overwhelmed me with gratitude. 

I wanted to raise my hands & worship the Lord. Not because the lyrics necessarily stirred that in me. Rather, it was complete gratitude for brilliant & wonderful music that brings life to my wounded soul.

I sometimes think that the Christian culture has made worship into something that we have put into a box of what it should look like. In doing so, it seems that some of the beauty of worship & what it should be has been taken away from it.

Frederick Buechner describes worship as the following:

"Phrases like worship service & service of worship are tautologies. To worship God means to serve God. Basically there are two ways to do it. One way is to do things for God that God needs to have done- run errands for God, carry messages for God, fight on God's side, feed God's lambs, and so on. The other way is to do things for God that you need to do- sing songs for God, create beautiful things for God, give things up for God, tell God what's on your mind and in your heart, in general rejoice in God and make a fool of yourself for God the way lovers have always made a fool of themselves for the one they love.

A Quaker meeting, a pontifical High Mass, the family service at Zion Episcopal, a Holy Roller happening- unless there is an element of joy and foolishness in the proceedings, the time would be better spent doing something useful."

I think that's what it's about. Loving the Lord with all of our hearts & rejoicing in all & anything. 

So what if I happen to be listening to Paul Simon & Sting singing about whores & boxing. . . the beauty of that song touched a deep place in my soul & I am thankful & will worship the Lord for creating a spot within myself to is moved by beautiful music~

 

thankful.

When I first thought about blogging again, I wanted to make sure that that I was being mindful of good things. Good thoughts, events, people, etc. It can sometimes be hard to remember all of those good things, so I wanted to remind myself of things that I'm thankful for.

 

21. Being able to work from home last week when the weather got really bad.

22. Full House on dvd (and on sale)

23. A sister who confides in me. 

24. 2 sisters who confide in me.

25. a husband who starts my car in the morning

26. a weekend spent with friends

27. Paul Simon

28. a car that makes me feel safe while driving in this weather

29. vanilla yogurt

30. Youth group leaders that are still helping me grow :)

31. Family that can be called when needed: good or bad.

32. a big bed when your spouse isn't feeling well.

33. the stirrings of growth that I feel the Lord leading me to.

34. Music that feeds my soul. This song in particular (I know, Paul Simon originally performs this song, but I like this version, too).

35. Great Russian food & vodka.

36. a great date with Jason while eating great Russian food.

37. Being inside on a 50MPH gust windy night.

38. A purse that makes me feel like Emma Thompson as P.L. Travers in Saving Mr. Banks. Go see it. Now..

39. Apple TV

40. Glasses that I can wear while reading, or any other time for that matter.

anger

Anger is something that's been on my mind lately. I've been feeling it & thinking about it in different lights this past week.

Last Wednesday I turned 27 (yikes!) & the day went really well. And then I went home & it just did not go well. Jason's feelings were hurt. My feelings were hurt. We both yelled, said things we didn't mean & felt like we were losing our minds. I was angry & full of rage that my husband didn't know me well enough. We've been married about 1.5 years & he should know the ins & outs of who I am (or at least that's what I thought at that moment). 

We were able to sort it out, but I found myself filled with anger. I was angry that my husband didn't know me as well as I thought he said & angry that I had let myself ruin the day. But the more I thought about it, I wasn't angry, rather, I was hurt. Hurt that the day didn't go the way that I wanted, & upset with myself that I was ungrateful & had hurt my husband.

Fast forward to today. . . I was driving along thinking about something completely dumb that I had read earlier in the day & I was just annoyed & upset, for truly, no good reason. I let my annoyance build & build until I was just angry! I had no good reason at all, but it kept building within me. I thought about it a little bit longer than I should have & forced myself to move on & forget about those comments.

What is it about anger that is so easy to feel? I often find myself having to repeat "you are not angry, you are hurt. . . you are not angry, you are hurt. . . " over & over until I have finally discovered the truth.

I really don't like all of this anger festering in my heart & my mind. I haven't had a season like this for awhile, so maybe that's just what it is: a season. A season to grow & mature in ways that I haven't before & to give myself a little more grace. Better yet, experience my feelings & then I can have more grace for others who act out in anger & know that maybe their feelings are just hurt. 

"Of the Seven Deadly Sins, anger is possibly the most fun. To lick your wounds, to smack your lips over grievances long past, to roll over your tongue the prospect of bitter confrontations still to come, to save to the last toothsome morsel both the pain you are given & the pain you are giving back - in many ways it is a feast fit for a king. The chief drawback is that what you are wolfing down is yourself. The skeleton at the feast is you." --Frederick Buechner, Beyond Words

 The above quote struck my like a dagger going into my heart, especially about the bitter confrontations still to come. I don't want to think about those. I want to bless & move on, but man, that is hard work. I am forcing myself to be kind & to love. To remember the core of who I am & that it's OK to be upset & hurt, but it's best to move on & find the love & life that are surrounding me constantly.

Thank you, friends, for being a source of love & life, and for reading my words. I am grateful for each & every one of you.

 

thankful.

When I first thought about blogging again, I wanted to make sure that that I was being mindful of good things. Good thoughts, events, people, etc. It can sometimes be hard to remember all of those good things, so I wanted to remind myself of things that I'm thankful for.

My aunt (aka tonight's motivation for this post!) has been posting things she's thankful for & what a great way to keep track of that & look back to be able to remind yourself that there are good things. Hard things, yes, but those can be good as well. So, here we go. Enjoy :)

1. Bob Costas. 
2. The Olympics
3. Good friends who bring PBR for our cultural Olympic viewing. 'Merica.
4. Registering gift cards/signing up for rewards. So far I've gotten a free bagel & tomorrow I shall go get my free coffee & breakfast sandwich from Starbucks & Caribou respectively.
5. My workout buddy/physical trainer/emotional trainer/coworker/friend/confidant/buddy. 
6. Pomegranate Martinis
7. A husband who doesn't mind that I drank too much pomegranate martini & wanted to go to bed at 7:30.
8. A great yearly review at my job-- seriously. It was more than I could've hoped for.
1. To piggy back off of that: a company that I love & the best coworkers I could've asked for!
9.  Hard conversations with Jason & being able to work through them.
10. A sister who calls to talk.
11. my crazy dreams -- seriously, I would rather dream than sleep sometimes!
12. The ability to go out for a nice dinner with my husband for no reason other than I missed him.
13. space heaters.
14. the ability to work from home. in my pjs. watching my shows.
15. Sister Wives. (Seriously, I love this show.)
16. My body hurting from a great workout.. however, i might not be thankful for this tomorrow.
17. water. clean water.
18. My nieces & nephews. 
19. having nieces & nephews who visit you & give you a great reason to go to Chuck E. Cheese.
20. Jason's Chicago Bears blanket. I don't necessarily care about the team, but I care about the warmth the blanket provides!